when there is nothing else to do- you keep on trying harder.
in little ways. that probably don't make a difference. you fight.
you listen and you assess again and again.
hoping for a change. hoping to see the situation through a new lens.
when the only thing you can do is let go- you hold on.
you hold on.
till your fingers get slick from the heat of the battle.
and you slowly loose your grip.
and then you claw. and you grapple. you never give up.
and when you finally walk away. you leave yourself behind.
and you hide it. pretend its all okay.
because it has to be. there is no other way.
and it's not until you come back that you realize:::
you haven't let go.
after all this time. you're still holding on.
because this is safe.
this is safe.
** 5th midnight shift in a row tonight. i am so wore out. but it's onto seven beautiful, glorious days off. and so many updates. so many details to document. it will be wonderful to be back in my daily grind.